Venture Merz

These are some thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, challenges, and insights I’ve had over the past 5.5 years of being chronically ill:

I’m going to die, and I don’t want to hide or play safe anymore

White supremacy harms us all

I can’t breathe

Your worth is not tied to your activity

Your worth is not tied to your ability

I can be here

Spread boundless love to all beings

Please don’t disappear

I can’t do this alone anymore

Trans grief

Please Help me

Lockdown

I can’t remember

My bed is my home

Isolation

Quarantine

“We can’t measure chronic fatigue”

“You aren’t high risk”

“Everything is within normal range, you’re healthy”

We’re cutting your unemployment

We’re cutting your SNAP benefits

I can’t stress anymore, I flare

Depression

Zoom life

Loss of friends

Family financial support

Food banks

Chills & fever

Chronic Pain

Wheezing

Brain fog/memory loss

Chronic Fatigue

Violent Coughing

Nervous System dysregulation

Flares of acute symptoms

Parenting while chronically ill

Can’t drive more than 15 minutes before being in excruciating pain

I think, “I’m not going to recover from this”

You can’t believe everything you think

Chinese herbs saved my life

Wuhan strain

Sick since March 2020

Sloth power

Do one thing, rest, repeat

Not meeting basic needs

I’m tired

I am worthy of care

I am worthy of love

I’m not back to normal

I’m not back to business as usual

Sick & tired

Tired & sick

“Whatever arises don’t get attached to it.”

Breathing in, breathing out

I feel like I’m drowning

My sickness and transness are interconnected

My sickness and queerness are interconnected

The sickness and abuse are interconnected

Meditation is good medicine

Getting Triggered = flare

Gender affirming care is the only thing that has helped my chronic fatigue

I can’t walk

Silver lining is helpful, but can only go so far

I’m scared

I’m sad

I’m in pain

Art heals

Covid makes me feel like “I can’t…“ and I am meeting it with, “I am.”

Everything that brought you here, thank it.

Grateful for a new day

I never knew how much I took for granted, until it was gone.

I believe in something larger than me

Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional

“What are you going to do with your one wild & precious life?” - Mary Oliver

Remain in dignity no matter the circumstances

May I experience this sickness fully so others may be healthy, happy and free

Taking sickness as the path

The challenges are a rich place for growth